I am wrapping up my journey in India and getting ready to head to Cape Town, South Africa. India has given me the opportunity to experience every thing; love, fear, anger, peace, my truth. I am leaving with more clarity as too who I am. When I am here everything from within comes out and when I am open and willing to embrace it, I grow immensely.
I came to India with a lot of ideas of how it would be. What my schedule would look like and what I was going to get out of this trip. Ha! Never do that in life, but really never do that when you are coming to India! All my plans changed about 10 times. I was doing a teachers training; I was not. I was going to travel to southern India for a week of Ayurveda treatments by myself; I was not. I was going to a Tibetan orphanage to teach yoga; I was not. At one point Divine Mother was really having a good laugh I am sure.
My reaction at first was to try and control it all. Every time a plan fell through or changed I immediately had the alternative lined up. Once I realized that was not working the frustration started to set in and fester and I become increasingly emotional. Every day was up and down, I started to question why I was even in Indian. At points I was ready to go home. I missed my life that I could control; or at least appeared that way. My mind spun in this loop and began validating why I even felt this way in the first place. And that was because “I did not have a purpose” in where I was at that moment. I was at a beautiful retreat center with wonderful people, but I did not have “to do anything,” I just had to “BE.” I had no job, I was not teaching, I was not really helping in any way, so the way I justified my feelings was that I longed to live a life of purpose, of service in order to feel full.
One night I was sitting with my friend and he was asking me what was wrong, because I was clearly a mess. He had never seen me like this so it was a bit of a surprise. At that point I was not even sure, my mind had taken me on so many different trips there was no clarity. We sat by the fire and I stared deeply in to the flames. I finally explained to him all the stuff that had been tumble weeding through my head, coming to a deep pressure of need to live my purpose “saving the world.” He stopped me and said “Your purpose is not what you “do,” but how you are despite the circumstance. What you do is only a mere expression of your purpose.”
I believe this is what I came to India to learn. I grew up with a lot of ideas as too what I needed to do this life to fulfill my purpose. Many of them I trust to be true, but I also know that if I can not hold my truth, trust and grace in any situation it does not matter if I am saving a thousand orphans or teaching 10 yoga classes a week. My purpose is to be connected to the Divine, to be an expression of her, to “be the light house,” everything that comes from that is just an expression of source.
We all get caught in the idea of finding our place in the world, finding our rolls and purpose. Often it creates stress and a sense of being lost or it can create a deep pressure that turns to anger or sadness when we do not feel we are living it. We make excesses like “I would if I had the money or time.” We are always in the waiting room, waiting for the opportunity. Or worse – our ego becomes inflated as we quantify our deeds and compare our contributions.
If we start with the simple task of taking time to sit, be still, be quite and connect to Source everything else will follow. When we are connected we are at peace wherever we are. There is never a sense of loss or loneliness, we never doubt where the universe has put us, and we are children of trust emanating love. What ever we do is merely an expression of our PURPOSE.
No comments:
Post a Comment